“What do you mean you lost her?” said Detective Inspector Cleaver to his nephew, Senior Constable Daniel Cleaver. “You were meant to cuff her, put her in the wagon and then let her go once you were round the corner.”“I know Uncle Dave, er Detective Inspector, but there was a bank robbery and they called for the paddy wagon.”“With my wife in it,” said Nick, his head in his hands. “This is really not good.”They were back at Nick’s home and anxiously waiting to hear La Contessa’s whereabouts. Suddenly Baxter started barking and the back gate opened.“Why all the long faces?” said La Contessa. “Nick, be a darling and mix me a martini would you? I have had the most amazing adventure.”“How did you get out?” said Nick, jumping to his feet and giving his wife an enormous hug. Baxter charged around the garden in excited circles.“Well there was a bank robbery and they caught the two culprits,” explained La Contessa. “Mike ‘Shotgun’ Murphy and Ray ‘The Butcher’ Heinz.”“You were locked in a van with those two?” said Nick, his face white. “I need a martini, too.”“Yes, they both knew you darling,” said La Contessa. “Mr Shotgun said you had given them time, which I thought was very kind of you.”“I’m surprised they were caught,” said Nick.“Yes, Mr Butcher said they had an inside man at the bank who let them down,” said La Contessa. “They were very supportive when I was explaining to the sergeant at the police station you had obviously arrested me by mistake and he let me go.”Return tomorrow for the next episode.EPISODE 33“This is Detective Inspector Cleaver,” Nick said, nodding towards the portly policeman standing in the surf club main hall. “And the young uniformed officer next to him is his nephew Senior Constable Daniel Cleaver.”“It’s lovely of you all to come,” said La Contessa. “My clever husband has discovered some new leads in the murders of patrol captain Laurie Dobson and his replacement Lauren Murray.”“Yes, it seems every one of you has a motive for killing at least one of them,” said Nick. “And Jo Dobson would really like to know who killed her father.”“Well, get on with it,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight, looking at his watch. “Some of us have places to be.”“And missing club funds to find,” said Nick acidly. “Money makes a wonderful motive for murder.”“Come on, Nick,” said bus driver Bazza Jones. “He’s a bank manager not a killer.”“And spurned lovers often act violently,” Nick said to him. “Lauren had just ended your relationship.”“No, no, Barry would never do anything like that,” said Lena Kuzina, springing to his defence. “He is a wonderful man.”“And one who went into the arms of Lauren Murray, failing to notice the obvious torch you are carrying for him,” said Nick, causing Lena to blush crimson and Bazza’s jaw to drop in surprise. “Jealousy is also a motive.“The guilty party is in this room,” said Nick, turning to the young policeman. “Book ’em, Danno.”Senior Constable Cleaver stepped forward and snapped the handcuffs on La Contessa’s wrists.“Darling, there must be some mistake,” she said in shock. Baxter whimpered.“Take her away,” said Nick.EPISODE 32“Put your arms through the belt,” Nick shouted down to La Contessa at the bottom of the blowhole, “and we will pull you out.”“That’s terribly ingenious of you, darling,” La Contessa called back. “Tug away.”The teenage girls from the surf club march past team began to turn the reel and the ancient rope went taut, creaking and twanging ominously. “The rope is not going to hold,” shouted Bazza Jones urgently as the reel began to slide towards the hole.“Hurry, darling, the water is … glub … cough … glug,” called La Contessa as the incoming tide rose above her head. Baxter started barking furiously.“Jam the reel against the rock edge and wind that rope in,” called Nick urgently, throwing himself against the handle. “Come on, girls, pull.”Suddenly the line went loose and the sea inside the hole made a hideous gurgling sound.“Oh no, she’s going to blow,” shouted Bazza.The water roared up the spout of the blowhole, carrying La Contessa with it. She was flung 3m into the air and came crashing down on top of Nick.“Good catch, darling,” she said breathlessly. “Oh, hello girls, thank you for coming to help.”“Are you OK?” gasped Nick from beneath her. “I think I may have some broken ribs.”“I’m fine, thank you. When I realised the water was going to shoot up the spout I tucked everything in and prepared for lift-off,” said La Contessa. “Just like a human cannon ball.”She jumped up and pulled a groaning Nick to his feet.“Upsy daisy,” she said. “This is no time for lying around. I have discovered something crucial in our murder inquiry.”EPISODE 31“Hurry darling,” La Contessa shouted from 20m below. “The tide is starting to force water up the blowhole.”On the clifftop above her, Nick had a horrible vision of his beautiful wife being fired like a champagne cork out of the blowhole and looked around desperately. On the beach he saw Bazza Jones drilling his march past team of teenage girls and waved at them urgently. Bazza waved back.Baxter flew down from the cliff top to the beach and began barking at them furiously, as Nick waved for them to come to him. Eventually Bazza got the message and the team marched in precision formation to the top of the blowhole.“This is highly unusual,” said Bazza when they reached the top. “We are trained for marching on flat sand, not up steep and uneven inclines. What’s going on?”“Mariabella is trapped by the tide in the blowhole,” said Nick, pulling at the belt attached to the reel by a length of rope. “We can lower this down to her and pull her out … What is it?”“Well, this was designed to reel people back in through the water,” said Bazza doubtfully. “You will remember the crucial role it played in saving lives in Bondi on Black Sunday in 1938.”“Your point,” said Nick, preparing to lower the belt into the hole as the girls quickly anchored the reel of rope with their feet. “Tempus fugit.”“Well it is not designed to pull people through the air,” said Bazza, as La Contessa let out a cry from below. “And this particular one is more than 50 years old.”EPISODE 30“Oh dear,” La Contessa said to herself as she scrambled onto higher rocks inside the blowhole. “The tide is coming in faster than I can get out.”She pulled out her mobile phone and looked at the blank screen forlornly. No reception. She looked up at the sky showing at the top of the blowhole 20m above her head. “Unless my darling boys can pull a rabbit out of a hat I may be shooting out of that like a cork from a champagne bottle very soon,” she sighed, as a silent tear slid unnoticed down her cheek.Nick pulled up next to La Contessa’s Mercedes parked in the club president’s spot outside the surf club. He turned off the “find my car” app he had installed after La Contessa went missing the last time and looked at Baxter. “It’s up to you now,” he said, reaching over to open the door.“Yowf,” said Baxter before jumping out and sniffing around La Contessa’s car in increasing circles. Suddenly, he darted off towards the rocks at the northern end of the beach.“Good boy, follow the scent,” shouted Nick, puffing after the galloping Beagle. “Are you sure boy? That looks like Dead Man’s Hole.”By the time Nick reached the rocks near the entrance of Dead Man’s Hole the tide was sweeping in. Baxter had already scrambled up the rock face towards the top of the blowhole where he stopped, wagging his tail and barking. Nick, panting, reached the blowhole and peered in.“Mariabella,” he shouted. “What are you doing down there?”“I was looking for clues, darling, and I’ve rather got caught by the tide,” La Contessa shouted. “Would you mind awfully fetching a rope or something, I’m getting rather wet.”EPISODE 29“That’s very interesting,” La Contessa said to Jo Dobson. “So you say that before she was murdered Lauren Murray kept visiting Dead Man’s Hole.”“Yes, Lena Kuzina said it was odd she kept going in at low tide,” said Jo. “She thought maybe she had hidden something in there.”“Well there is really only one way to find out,” said La Contessa. “It is like spotting a bargain in the sales – instant action wins the day.”“I’ll let Nick know where you have gone when he gets back from walking Baxter,” said Jo helpfully. “Good luck.”La Contessa hopped into her Mercedes and sped towards the beach, parking as usual in the spot reserved for the club president. She headed towards the rocks at the northern end of the beach.“Looks like the tide is about to start coming in,” La Contessa said to herself. “But if I hurry I think I can make it.”As La Contessa entered the dark cave with the incoming tide splashing her ankles, Nick and Baxter arrived home to an empty house.“No note, no clue, nothing,” Nick said to Baxter. “I don’t know about you fella but I have a very uneasy feeling.”“Yowf,” said Baxter.“You too,” said Nick. “We had better try and find her.”Down at the beach, La Contessa had ventured into the back of the blowhole and was looking up at the tiny circle of light high at the top of the rock spout. “Now where on earth would she hide something in here,” said La Contessa. “I must be very careful not to lose track of the time …”EPISODE 28“Darling, I think that is a wonderful idea,” said La Contessa as she prepared a charcuterie board. “We have rather neglected patrol captain Lauren Murray’s death.”“Yes, we have been so busy chasing the missing money that we have failed to spot crucial clues in her death,” said Nick, shaking a martini as Jo Dobson joined them in the kitchen.“There were an awful lot of rumours about Lauren,” said Jo as La Contessa took a strand of vine tomatoes from the fridge. “She had just ended her affair with Bazza the bus driver and before that she had slept with treasurer Trevor Fairlight and nearly ended his marriage.”“She was the good ship easy virtue?” asked La Contessa.“More like the patrol’s own rescue board,” said Jo Dobson. “Everyone had had a …”She was interrupted by Nick coughing violently as La Contessa’s pupils widened blackly and a red flush spread up her Sicilian neck. She grasped the kitchen knife tightly.“Everyone?” she said, holding two of the tomatoes in her hand before slicing them free from the vine and spearing them to the chopping board with the knife. Nick blanched.“Oh, no not everyone,” said Jo, completely unaware as La Contessa began savagely chopping into a salami in front of Nick’s horrified gaze. “She got nowhere with Nick. He only has eyes for you.”“Oh, of course, my darling would be immune to her charms,” said La Contessa, visibly brightening.“When you have the best, forget the rest,” said Nick, wiping his brow and pouring out the cocktails. “Martini anyone?”EPISODE 27“Oh darling, anyone would think you are pleased to see me,” said La Contessa. “Or is that a rescue tube in your pocket?”“Well, I was a little concerned when Trevor said he had convinced you the anchor rope was a safety line and you had it wrapped around your leg,” said Nick. “I didn’t want to have to swim out and rescue you.”“You would have done that for me?” sighed La Contessa. “But you needn’t have worried. Baxter and I had everything under control.”Nick raised a quizzical eyebrow as they walked back up the beach, Baxter happily scampering ahead.“Have you forgotten I learnt to lip read years ago,” said La Contessa. “It is the only way to keep up with gossip at parties. I let him tell you about the missing money and then when he started to go on I told Baxter to take him out.”“Good boy, Baxter,” said Nick as the beagle wagged his tail. “So you saw him say that he had taken the money and then paid it back and that Laurie Dobson had then hid it to stop it happening again.”“Exactly,” said La Contessa. “Although I don’t know where that leaves our investigation. “It seems a bit silly to kill Laurie before you know where he has hidden the money. That would leave you in some pretty deep water.”“But not as deep water as our friend Trevor is in now,” said Nick, gesturing over his shoulder to where Trevor Fairlight was still paddling back towards shore. “You are assuming of course that he was telling the truth.”EPISODE 26“Don’t do it, Trevor,” Nick shouted into the two-way radio. “Let’s talk.”“I’ve got your attention now,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight. “If I knew that all I needed was to tie your wife to an anchor and take her out to sea I would have done it ages ago.”“Well, I’m listening,” said Nick. “Do you want to tell me about the missing money?”“I didn’t steal it,” Trevor said angrily into the radio. “I just borrowed it for a few days. I had a miscalculation at the bank and needed to cover the missing money.”“So you took the club funds,” said Nick.“Yes, but I paid them back,” said Trevor. “And then that dolt Laurie Dobson realised the money had been moved and hid it to stop it happening again. Now I don’t know where it is.”“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” said Nick. “Without holding my wife and dog hostage out at sea.”“I want your guarantee that you will not inform the bank,” said Trevor. “If not, over the side she goes.”“I can’t do that,” said Nick. “I don’t negotiate with blackmailers. Ever.”At the front of the rubber ducky La Contessa was watching Trevor with increasing frustration.“Now Baxter,” she said.The intrepid beagle launched himself and hit Trevor square in the chest, sending him into the water. “Yowf,” said Baxter, as Trevor bobbed to the surface. La Contessa quickly unwrapped the anchor rope from her leg and scooted to the back where she took control of the outboard. “Enjoy the swim,” she called to Trevor before turning the boat to shore.EPISODE 25“So why are we here, darling?” asked La Contessa as she pulled up in the president’s parking spot at the surf club. “Surely you don’t think the late Laurie Dobson buried the missing funds at the beach.”“No, my Montepulciano Marple,” said Nick. “Club treasurer Trevor Fairlight is here driving the Inshore Rescue Boat and putting out the buoys for board training. I thought we might have a chat.”Baxter was already out of the car and dashing towards the beach. La Contessa set off in hot pursuit. By the time Nick rounded the club house they were already at the water’s edge and talking to Trevor Fairlight. Before Nick could get close enough to be heard they had both hopped into the red, rubber boat with Trevor and were roaring out to sea. Nick grabbed a two-way radio from the head coach who was walking down with a rescue board.“Trevor, what are you doing?” he said. “Trevor, do you read me?”“Now Nick, you know that’s not proper radio protocol,” Trevor’s voice crackled over the radio. “I think it is time you backed off with all the questions.”“Don’t do this, Trevor,” said Nick. “Come back to shore and talk.”“La Contessa has the anchor rope wrapped around her ankle,” said Trevor. “I told her it was a safety rope in case she fell out. She can’t hear me because of the engine.”“Trevor, what has happened to you?” said Nick. “Stop now before it’s too late.”“Think about it, Nick,” said Trevor. “Just one push of the anchor and it and your lovely wife will go straight to the bottom of the sea.”EPISODE 24“Darling, what do you look for in a filly,” asked La Contessa, looking up from a thick book of statistics.“Well a chestnut mane,” said Nick, pausing from mixing a martini. “Good form, fine legs and a splendid rump. Much the same qualities I would look for in a horse.”“I was talking about a horse,” said La Contessa rather frostily. “The girls and I are thinking of buying one at the Magic Millions yearling sales this week.”Nick blanched.“Aren’t they rather expensive?” he said, before taking a restorative sip of the martini.“Well Takeover Target cost $1375 and won $6 million,” said La Contessa. “And Winx cost $230,000 and won $22 million. “Then there is the prize bonus for syndicates of women owners.”“Well, when you put it like that it sounds a bit better,” said Nick reflectively. “Perhaps I should put the champagne on ice and prepare the bank manager for a few major deposits.”“Speaking of accounts,” said La Contessa. “Have you had any breakthroughs on what was going on with the surf club accounts?”“Well on the surface it looks like Laurie Dobson was moving cash out of the club accounts,” said Nick. “Including the bequest from the Rooneys’ mother.”“But that doesn’t explain why club treasurer Trevor Fairlight acted so strange when we asked him about it,” said La Contessa.“Exactly my Siracusa sleuth,” said Nick. “Which makes me wonder if Laurie was actually moving the money to stop it being stolen.”“And that leaves two questions,” said La Contessa, nodding. “Who was he protecting it from and where has he hidden it?”EPISODE 23“Is it me or is it getting rather warm in here?” asked Nick, sweat beading his brow. “You certainly look rather hot.”“We don’t have time for that Nicholas Moore,” said La Contessa. “My worry is that spending too long in an infrared sauna can lead to dehydration.”“You forget who you are with,” said Nick, flourishing a cocktail shaker and two glasses from behind his back. “Naturally I assumed we would be having a martini in here.”“Oh wonderful, darling,” said La Contessa. “Pour me one while I try to figure out how we managed to get locked in a sauna with no lock.”Nick poured the martinis and peered through the glass door where Baxter was sitting patiently outside. “It looks like someone has left a door wedge there to drop into place and lock us in,” he said, sipping the martini. “Even if I say so myself, that is really rather good.”“Yes it is,” said La Contessa appreciatively. “You are a man equipped with a martini for every occasion. Now apply that big detective brain of yours and figure out how we are going to get out of here.”“I don’t suppose your phone is tucked into your bikini somewhere?” said Nick hopefully. La Contessa raised her eyebrows. “No, obviously not.”As they continued to ponder their problem, there was a scuffling and snuffling from outside the sauna. After several minutes the door opened to reveal Baxter, tail wagging, with the door wedge between his teeth.“Baxter! You clever boy,” said La Contessa, hugging the delighted beagle as Nick looked at the wedge thoughtfully.“That was certainly no accident,” he said.EPISODE 22“My dad was a good man,” said Jo Dobson. “I cannot believe he would steal the club funds.”“Certainly the club treasurer Trevor Fairlight was acting very strangely,” said Nick, opening the garden gate after walking Baxter.“What on earth is this?” said Nick as they walked in. “Someone’s put a pine telephone box in the garden. And it’s humming.”“Do you like it, darling?” said La Contessa, emerging from the box in a trademark skimpy bikini. “I was just giving it a trial run.”Baxter sniffed the box and passed his verdict with a cocked leg. Sensing storm clouds, Jo headed inside. “Baxter be careful, you could short the electrics,” said La Contessa. “And it cost a lot of money.”“How much money, my Prato profligate?” asked Nick. “What is it?”“It’s an infra-red sauna,” said La Contessa. “It’s good for joints.”“Good Lord, you smoke drugs in there?” said Nick.“No, silly, it eases your bones and returns your skin to that of a teenager.”“Well, you hardly need that,” said Nick, peering into the red-lit interior. “It rather reminds me of a giant human jaffle maker.”“Come on and try it,” said La Contessa, tugging at Nick’s shirt.“And I might as well try and get my money’s worth,” said Nick. La Contessa pulled him inside leaving Baxter peering through the reinforced glass door with a puzzled frown. The infra-red lights powered on as the door clicked shut.“Oh dear,” said La Contessa after a moment. “We appear to be locked in.”EPISODE 21“I know it’s the first day of the Ashes Pink Test, Trevor,” observed La Contessa. “And your cheeks have coloured up to match.”“Well, it is suddenly very hot,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight, turning a deeper shade of crimson. “Perhaps I should go.”“Not so fast,” said Nick as Baxter let out a warning growl. “I want you to tell me why Laurie Dobson’s version of the club accounts has just $1.05 in it.”“Exactly, I was, er, trying to find that out myself,” stammered Trevor. “I was going to ask him but he fell under a bus.”“Or was conveniently pushed,” said Nick. “No wonder the Rooneys were angry. Not only did their late mother leave everything to the club but now the money has vanished.”“Does the club really have no money at all?” asked La Contessa. “That seems to me a little, well, careless.”“I, er, think the money may have been put somewhere for safekeeping,” said Trevor. “I was just going home to look for it.”“Like under the bed?” asked Nick wryly.“No, no, er, ha ha, I mean in some separate accounts,” said Trevor. “I think Laurie may have mentioned them to me. I was just going to check.”“I know a certain policeman who would be very interested to hear how that search goes,” said Nick. “We will be keeping close tabs on you.”Trevor Fairlight scuttled off, leaving Nick holding Laurie Dobson’s ledger.“I know you are the detective darling,” said La Contessa. “But if you ask me, there is something very dodgy going on here.”EPISODE 20“I know the envelope said Shirley Rooney on the front,” said La Contessa. “What I cannot understand is what that is doing in there.”“It is rather unexpected to find Laurie Dobson’s ledger for the surf club accounts,” mused Nick, flicking open the book. “Here is the bequest from Mrs Rooney’s mother.”“But the money has gone in and straight out again,” said La Contessa, her brow creased with a frown. “And it looks like the club funds amount to $1.05. Surely that can’t be right?”Nick looked up to see club treasurer Trevor Fairlight glancing furtively in their direction as he hurriedly shoved his towel into his backpack.“Leaving so early Trevor,” shouted Nick. “Half a patrol is a job half done.”“Urgent call from the wife,” Trevor shouted back. “Got to run.”“You sure it hasn’t got anything to do with us finding Laurie’s copy of the club accounts?” called Nick waving the ledger in the air. “I would love to see how this compares with your version.”Trevor gave a half-hearted wave and started to hurry off the beach towards the pedestrian promenade.“That seems awfully sudden,” said La Contessa. “Funny he doesn’t want to stop for a chat.”“Extremely odd,” said Nick. “Baxter!”The beagle immediately set off across the sand, his ears flapping like wings in the wind and his paws whirling as he quickly narrowed the distance to the rapidly retreating treasurer. Baxter made up the last few yards and hit Fairlight squarely behind the knees, felling him instantly.“Do be careful, Trevor,” shouted La Contessa. “You could have injured the dog.”EPISODE 19‘Darling you look a little dusty for this patrol,” said La Contessa. “I thought you were going to give up martinis for January.”“I was,” sighed Nick. “Then I remembered that you always say you hate quitters.”Nick was helping his fellow patrol members put up the red patrol tent between the flags in front of the surf club. Baxter was busy digging in the sand where the New Year’s Eve fireworks had been set up.“It was a close shave with all those rockets firing at us on the club balcony,” mused La Contessa. “I wonder if someone really did deliberately sabotage the display?”“Rather a coincidence after Mrs Rooney and her boys threatened us all because her late mother had left her money to the club,” said Nick. “What is that dog up to?”Baxter had disappeared from view into an ever increasing hole with sand flying into the air.“Baxter, I think digging a hole there may be a grave mistake,” said La Contessa, walking over to investigate. “And I would hate for you to get a miner injury.”As she approached, the sandy beagle popped his head up with a plastic bag in his mouth. “Oh you clever boy, what have you found?” said La Contessa, unwrapping the bag. “It looks like something in an envelope.”Nick strolled over and pulled up short as he read the name on the front. “Shirley Rooney,” he said. “Perhaps they dropped it when they were tampering with the fireworks.”He opened the envelope and pulled out the contents. La Contessa gasped in surprise.EPISODE 18‘Happy New Year darling,” said La Contessa, clinking Nick’s champagne glass. “What’s your New Year’s resolution?”“I have resolved to make better bad decisions this year,” said Nick. “And to save money by cancelling that gym membership you took out for me. And you?”“Well I am going to cut down on online shopping,” said La Contessa. “From now on I’m doing all my purchasing in stores.”They were standing on the balcony of the surf club with the others in Nick’s patrol and looking out at a temporary scaffolding loaded with fireworks. As the champagne corks popped, the first fireworks sputtered into life.“Oh look, it is spelling out the club’s name,” said La Contessa. “But the scaffolding seems a little shaky.”Slowly the structure appeared to tip towards the club, bringing rockets and coloured balls of flame from giant Roman candles to bear on the balcony the patrol members were standing on.“Duck,” shouted Nick as a red ball of fire shot over his head in a spray of sparks. He pulled La Contessa down to the floor where Baxter was lying with his paws over his head. Smoke spiralled from the singe marks on his yellow patrol shirt. A rocket shot through the open balcony door, across the club room and straight out of the open kitchen window.“Now I know how Londoners felt during the Blitz,” said La Contessa after the last firework had fizzled out. “What a terrible accident.”“That was no accident,” snorted Nick angrily. “Those fireworks were aimed at our patrol. That was sabotage.”EPISODE 17“That’s enough!” said La Contessa, putting herself between the angry woman and the sobbing daughter of late patrol captain Laurie Dobson. “You cannot threaten people like that.”“Oh really?” said Shirley Rooney. “Not only does this club con us out of my mother’s will, but now I can’t talk about it.” As she spoke, an enormous bearded man with biker tattoos came to stand next to her. A black pit bull strained at the leash in his balled fist. Baxter took station on La Contessa’s left and glared back.“I think this can be resolved without threats or violence,” said Nick, walking forward to stand on La Contessa’s right. “Perhaps over a martini.”“Oh, you do,” said Mrs Rooney as several young men in singlets walked up behind her. “Have you met my sons?” “Not on this side of the prison bars,” said Nick quietly. “Exactly how much money did your mother leave to the surf club?”“Everything. The house, the car, all her savings,” spat Mrs Rooney. “It is not justice. We want that back.”“I believe Mr Dobson was trying to find an equitable solution,” said Nick. “Until someone pushed him under a bus.”“We don’t want an equitable solution. We want our money,” said Mrs Rooney. “And if we cannot get it in cash we will take it in blood.” “That’s enough, Ma,” said one of the boys from behind her. “There’s too many of them.” Nick glanced behind him to see the surf club members ranked in silent support. When he turned back the Rooneys were walking down the beach. “They’ll be back,” he said.EPISODE 16Darling you were wonderful,” said La Contessa, throwing her arms around her husband. “Are you sure the shark has gone?”“Absolutely my Caccamo Cousteau,” replied Nick. “I was merely the crew, our club treasurer Trevor Fairlight was a fearless skipper.”“Makes a change from sitting behind a desk in a bank,” smiled Trevor modestly. “Or working out the club accounts.”“Yes, I wanted to ask you about the bequest Laurie was working on before his untimely demise,” said Nick. “You say the family was angry?”Before Trevor could answer a furious woman with a tangled mop of red hair came up to the patrol tent and started shouting. “Look at this lot,” she said, jabbing a finger at the volunteers. “Most selfish people on the beach.”“Hardly selfish Mrs Rooney,” said Trevor calmly. “Everyone here is giving up their holiday time with their family to keep people safe.”“Bulldust,” she snorted. “Standing there all holier than thou when we all know you are just in it for the money.”“Now, Mrs Rooney we have been through this,” said Trevor. “It is not our fault that your mother left her fortune to the surf club in her will.”“Oh right, you people come round in your red and yellow uniforms begging for funds and con an old woman into leaving you all her money,” snorted Mrs Rooney. “MY money.”“Mr Dobson was trying to sort that out …,” said Trevor.“And look what happened to him – ended up under a bus,” sneered the angry woman as Laurie Dobson’s daughter, Jo, let out a little sob. “Watch out, or you’ll be next.”EPISODE 15 “That’s a twenty-footer,” gasped Trevor Fairlight as the sleek grey shark passed alongside the broken down inflatable rescue boat.“Twenty five,” said Nick. “Three tonnes of him. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”The fin of the big white pointer sliced through the water as the shark came closer and nudged the boat.“He’s testing us,” said Nick. “Next time he will take a bite. How are you going with the engine?”Trevor was frantically fiddling and muttering through a checklist that he kept restarting. Nick decided to distract him so that he would return to the checklist by rote.“So why do you think someone would want to kill Laurie Dobson?” he asked.“What? Oh, I don’t know,” said Trevor, now running through the engine list more calmy. “You know I’m the club treasurer and he was helping out with a big bequest we had received.”“That’s interesting,” said Nick, watching the shark’s fin turn towards them and pick up speed. “Any problems with that?”“Yes, the old lady’s family was bitterly opposed to the club getting all her money,” said Trevor. “Laurie was dealing with them. “They were very angry.”The shark was picking up speed as it tore towards the boat. Nick looked down, turned on the fuel line and said: “Try it now.”Trevor pulled on the starter and the engine roared into life. He twisted on the throttle and the boat jumped away as the disappointed shark turned back towards the beach.They turned the boat in a tight arc and headed back towards the shark.EPISODE 14“Ho, ho, ho,” shouted Nick as the red rubber ducky carrying him in a Santa suit pulled into the beach. Nick jumped off the front and promptly disappeared from view into a deep channel.“Here you go, children,” he spluttered as he emerged, his soggy Santa suit now 20kg heavier, handing out wet presents to a horde of Nippers swarming around him.“I think that went very well, darling,” said La Contessa sometime later. She had heeded Nick’s appeal to wear a one-piece swimsuit and her barely there top was linked to a micro bottom by a single strand. There was a cry as a man walking past the patrol tent fell into a hole.“Thank you my Brindisi bombshell,” said Nick, now back in his surf lifesaving uniform. “Have you heard anything from the patrol members about the two deaths?”But before La Contessa could answer, a panting surfer in a black wetsuit ran up to the tent.“Shh, shh, shh …”“Quiet please,” said Nick. “He is trying to tell us something.”“SHARK!” shouted the surfer.Nick was already running towards the red inshore rescue boat as the other patrol members started blowing their whistles and urging people from the water. Nick and driver Trevor Fairlight pulled the front of the boat into the waves and fired up the outboard.“Has it ever occurred to you that we are rushing out towards one of the most deadly creatures on the planet in the equivalent of a child’s paddling pool?” shouted Nick.“It’s OK as long as the engine doesn’t die,” shouted Trevor as the engine fell silent.EPISODE 13“I thought La Nina would mean no bushfires this year,” said Detective Inspector Cleaver, sipping his pre-Christmas dinner sherry. “But I’m sure I can smell smoke.”“Now you mention it,” said Jo Dobson, daughter of murdered patrol captain Laurie. “I can too.”“The turkey!” cried La Contessa, leaping to her feet and sending glasses flying. “I put it in last night and forgot to turn off the oven.”“What do you mean you put it in last night?” asked Nick, following her into the kitchen and watching as she pulled a blackened, smoking corpse from the oven. “Were you worried it would not be cooked?”“Christmas is ruined!” wailed La Contessa as a flame licked at the turkey leg. Baxter gave the burnt offering a cursory sniff and retreated to the garden in disgust. “Even the dog won’t eat it.”“Don’t panic my Imola immolator,” said Nick, his head in the fridge. “Only the turkey is ruined, the vegetables are all fine.”He emerged holding a tiny spatchcock, his eyebrows raised in question.“I was going to do the turducken thing with one bird stuffed in another but I changed my mind,” said La Contessa. “Thank goodness mother is not here to see this.” “We carry on,” said Nick, putting the spatchcock on a baking tray and popping it into the oven. “Never cry foul over fowl.”An hour later they were all sitting at the table as Nick appeared carrying an enormous board with the tiny spatchcock. La Contessa was dabbing her eyes with her apron. Nick ceremoniously sharpened the knife and asked: “Leg or breast?”EPISODE 12“Go on, Detective Inspector,” urged La Contessa. “Open your present first.”The portly policeman ripped at the wrapping to reveal a round silver tin of Dunhill pipe tobacco imported from England. He smiled appreciatively.“Now me,” said La Contessa, tearing open a package to reveal a tiny wisp of lace. Nick coloured slightly.“Ah, yes, well I thought we might be opening that on our own,” he stammered. “Merry Christmas.”Josephine Dobson, daughter of dead patrol captain Laurie, then tore at a large package and pulled out a lime green shapeless cashmere jumper with a snowman on the front.“My mother knitted it,” said La Contessa, as Jo cast a stricken look for help to Nick.“Don’t worry, you are not expected to wear it,” he whispered. “Give it to Baxter.”“Here is your gift, darling,” said La Contessa with a flourish.Nick opened the package to find a tracker to attach to his car keys.“But I don’t lose my keys,” said Nick.“No, it’s for my keys,” said La Contessa. “I am giving you the gift of time. No more wasted hours helping look for my keys and being late everywhere we go.”La Contessa then pulled out two packages and put them on the floor in front of Baxter and Detective Inspector Cleaver’s bulldog Brian, who were already salivating.“You can’t beat a few dead bones at Christmas,” she laughed as the dogs ripped open the paper. Jo Dobson stifled a sudden sob, jumped to her feet and ran down the hall and into her room. “Oh dear, that may have been a little insensitive.”EPISODE 11“Darling, are you sure mother cannot come for Christmas?” asked La Contessa for perhaps the 10th time that morning. “She does so love a family occasion.”“I have been on the phone trying for a flight all morning,” said Nick sadly as the sound of a re-run of the Ashes radio cricket commentary played in his earphones. “Howzat!”“What’s that darling?” asked La Contessa, looking up from the cake she was icing. “Success?”“Er, no, I was saying how’s that for service,” sighed Nick. “I am afraid that dearly sainted woman will have to spend the festive season alone.”Baxter wagged his tail appreciatively.“Well we certainly won’t be lonely,” said La Contessa. “I have asked Josephine Dobson to come and spend a few days with us.”“Splendid idea my Hermada hostess,” said Nick. “And while she is here we can quiz her on what she knows about the death of her patrol captain father Laurie.”“Oh yes, so we could,” said La Contessa. “I was actually feeling rather sorry for her after losing her dad like that. Apparently her mother is also dead and she has no siblings.”The front door bell rang and Baxter erupted into barking life, hurtling down the wooden hall in a whirl of scrabbling paws. Nick followed and moments later reappeared with a young blonde woman carrying an overnight case.“Jo, darling, welcome,” said La Contessa, throwing her arms into the air. “Mi casa e su casa.”“Thank you so much for having me,” said Jo quietly. “It will be so nice to spend Christmas with people who knew my dad.”EPISODE 10“That’s better,” sighed Nick taking a sip of his martini. “So how did you both end up buried up to your necks on the beach?”They were sitting, bedraggled and covered in sand, at the outdoor tables of the cafe opposite the surf club. Baxter had drunk three bowls of water and was passed out under the table.“Well darling you had just left when the phone rang and a voice said: ‘The killer is at the club’,” explained La Contessa. “Of course, Baxter and I whizzed straight over.”“Did you recognise the voice?” asked Nick. “Was it male or female?”“I couldn’t tell,” said La Contessa. “It was very husky. Anyway we arrived, I parked in my usual spot, and Baxter got straight onto the scent.”La Contessa paused to take a hefty hit of her martini. “Baxter dragged me round the corner of the building and onto the beach.”“I think I can see where this is going, my Inverigo innocent,” said Nick.“Exactly,” said La Contessa. “Baxter latched onto something in the sand and the next thing he was wobbling around. I bent down to see if he was OK and something bumped me on the back of the head.”“Sounds like Baxter was drugged and you were coshed,” said Nick, balling his fists.“The next thing I knew we were buried in the sand and the waves were getting closer,” said La Contessa, stifling a sob. “Then my knight in shining armour arrived.”“The one thing we do know,” said Nick, squeezing her shoulder. “Someone wants to stop us asking questions.”EPISODE NINE‘Hurry!” said La Contessa. “That last wave stopped six inches short of my chin.” Nick fell to his knees and started frantically digging.“The dog!” exclaimed La Contessa. “You choose to rescue the dog first?”“Yowf,” said Baxter as Nick pulled the sandy beagle free. Baxter gave himself a shake and immediately set to work like a tunnel boring machine digging at the sand trapping La Contessa.“Oh I see,” conceded La Contessa. “Four paws are better than none. Quick you two, that wave almost reached us.”Nick freed La Contessa’s arms and she started scooping the sand away too. Some of the dry sand poured back into the hole and the next wave was only held back by Baxter’s growing pile. “If the water gets in the hole we will be in trouble,” gasped Nick, sweat beading his brow. “Come on Baxter!”The tireless dog redoubled his efforts and La Contessa let out a cry as she pulled her foot free. The second was moments behind it just as a wave finally poured into the hole, turning the sand to heavy sludge.“We just made it,” sighed Nick, laying on the sand next to a spreadeagled and panting Baxter. “That was close.”“I never doubted you boys,” said La Contessa, sitting beside them. “Although you were a bit slow following my clue.”“Why didn’t you just say where you were going?” asked Nick.“Can I do that on an investigation?” said La Contessa. “I thought detectives have to leave clues.”“My mistake,” said Nick. “Now, would you like to tell me exactly how you both managed to find yourselves buried up to your necks on the beach?”EPISODE EIGHTMariabella, Baxter, I’m home,” called Nick as he came through the back gate. “Hello.”The house was unusually quiet. There was none of the familiar yapping. Baxter was silent too.“Odd,” Nick said to himself as he went from room to room. “Where could they be at this hour. It’s martini-o-clock.”His eyes fell on a hastily scribbled note laying haphazardly on the glass-topped coffee table in the garden. “Gone clubbing,” it read.Nick’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I hardly think Baxter is going to enjoy cutting the rug at a discotheque.”He headed out to the garage where La Contessa’s black Mercedes SLK was missing. He hopped into his Ford Ranger – a bit excessive for the city but very handy at Bunnings – and drove off. Nick relaxed his shoulders and followed his gut.Before long he found himself tootling along the seafront towards the surf club where he spotted La Contessa’s Mercedes parked in a spot marked: “For exclusive use of the club president.”Darkness had fallen, he could hear the waves pounding on the beach but could only vaguely see the whitewash. He thought he heard something and strained his ears. Nick trusted his instinct and walked onto the sand.Approaching the sea he saw two bumps on the water’s edge. At first he thought they might be a pair of footballs forgotten by some children but as he got closer they began to take shape.“Mariabella! Baxter!” exclaimed Nick. They were both buried up to their neck’s in the sand.“I thought you would never get here,” said La Contessa. “You had better hurry, the tide is coming in.”EPISODE SEVEN“Well darling I think we need to divide and conquer,” said La Contessa. “Why don’t I try and speak to the bank fellow Trevor Fairlight.”“Only the head of MyWealth Bank,” said Nick. “And I have just received a text from Lena Kuzina saying she will meet me for a coffee in the city.”A short time later Nick was shifting uncomfortably under the unwavering gaze of platinum blonde patrol member Lena Kuzina.“You know in the Ukraine we have a saying,” she said. “The maggot in the apple is always juicy.”Nick looked nonplussed.“You’re right,” said Lena. “It doesn’t really translate very well.”“Can you think of a reason why someone would want to kill our patrol captains Laurie Dobson and Lauren Murray?” asked Nick.“You think they were killed?” said Lena breathlessly, her manicured hand gripping Nick’s arm. “This is just like when our President Viktor Yuschenko was poisoned. It must be the Russians.”“Not sure we have too many Russians on our patrol,” said Nick. “Could it be anyone else?”“Of course Bazza and Lauren were having an affair until she ended it the day before she died,” said Lena. “Maybe he was angry.” “But why Laurie?” said Nick. “Did they have anything in common?”“No, very different. He was very strict. Like a sergeant major,” said Lena. “I liked it. Do you like discipline, Nick?”“Good Lord, is that the time,” said Nick hurriedly getting to his feet. “Have to dash.”“Don’t forget Nick,” Lena called after him. “Look for the Russians.”EPISODE SIX“It is lovely you boys take the dogs for such a long walk,” said La Contessa as Detective Inspector Cleaver arrived at the back gate with his English bulldog Brian.“Healthy heart, healthy brain,” said Cleaver as Nick and Baxter joined them. They headed 200m up the road, turned the corner and sat down on a park bench.“Martini Detective Inspector?” asked Nick, pulling a Thermos of premixed cocktails from his pocket. “I’m keen to hear what you found on the file about the death of patrol captain Laurie Dobson.”“Well as you know, he was ironically killed by a truck after he had finished patrol,” said Cleaver, assembling two antique collapsible silver cups. “Cause of death, misadventure.”“However I sense something more,” said Nick, pouring the martinis as Baxter and Brian both let out audible sighs and lay down by the bench. “Am I correct?”“Yes, the devil is in the detail or rather, in this case, the witness statements,” said Cleaver, pausing to sip his martini. “Several people who saw him tumble into the path of the truck observed a lifesaver scrabbling to save him.”“Do we know who it was?” asked Nick. “No, they did not stick around,” said Cleaver. “Which, as a lifesaver yourself I am sure you are aware, is highly unusual.”“Indeed,” said Nick, nodding slowly. “Was the lifesaver in question really trying to stop poor old Laurie from falling into the truck’s path?”“Or pushing him into it,” said Cleaver. “The questions you need to answer are who and why.”EPISODE FIVE‘So you want me to talk to patrol member Barry ‘Bazza’ Jones,” said La Contessa. “To see if he knows why someone would want to kill patrol captain, Lauren Murray.”“Exactly,” said Nick. “I think he may open up more to a woman.”“Especially if Mr Bazza is so classy that he drives a big blue Mercedes as you say,” said La Contessa.“Ah, my Invergio interlocutor, he is called Bazza because his name is Barry,” explained Nick. “Just like Gary would be Gazza.”“Oh, so our butcher is called Gary,” said La Contessa. “I should call him Gazza?”“No, he has red hair,” explained Nick. “So we call him Blue.”La Contessa looked confused. “What if he had no hair?”“Then he would be called Curly,” said Nick. “Anyway, you had better hurry otherwise you’ll miss Bazza when he comes to pick you up.”Several hours later Nick was on his third martini and pacing the garden with Baxter when La Contessa burst through the back gate.“I didn’t realise Mr Bazza’s big blue Mercedes was a bus,” she said. “They are a wonderful service, just like big cheap Ubers.”“Did you find out anything?” asked Nick after spontaneously hugging his wife.“Oh yes, the 247 and 469 routes run through the night,” said La Contessa. “And then Mr Bazza took me back to the depot for tea with the other drivers before one of them put on the Out Of Service sign and drove me home.”“About the murders?” asked Nick.“Well,” said La Contessa. “Mr Bazza and Lauren were having an affair until she ended it the day before she died.”EPISODE FOURNick spills his martini at La Contessa’s disturbing suggestion. “Anastasia has finally opened the borders,” announced La Contessa delightedly. “Finally we can invite mother to come and stay with us.”Nick gave an involuntary shudder, spilling some of his martini. Baxter whimpered and put his paws over his head.“What a wonderful idea, only …” said Nick as La Contessa raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Only, we know a killer is targeting members of the surf patrol and, even though I only made a guest appearance, technically I could be considered a patrol member.”“You can take care of yourself,” said La Contessa. “But I don’t see what that has to do with my mother coming to visit.”“It’s just that there may be danger,” said Nick. “And I would hate to put that dearly sainted woman at any risk.”“Oh, I never thought of that,” said La Contessa. “You are such a thoughtful and wonderful man. Perhaps she can wait until after we have tracked the killer.”Baxter gave an audible sigh as Nick took a large, relieved sip of his martini.“And so, on with trying to find why these patrol members are being knocked off,” said Nick. “I think it’s time we deployed your considerable talents my Potenza Poirot.”“Oh goody,” said La Contessa. “I think I’ll wear my Burberry Mac so that I look the part. Perhaps with my old Panama and a pair of Manolo Blahniks.”“Attention to detail is crucial,” agreed Nick. “We need to interview the remaining patrol members to see if they have any idea why someone would want them dead.”EPISODE THREELa Contessa shouted “murdered!” to startled glances from nearby beachgoers. She lowered her voice: “How do you know she didn’t drown?”“Lauren Murray was a lifelong member of the surf club, represented it in competitions, she was as at home in the water as a dolphin,” said Nick. “And the surf was not particularly rough.”“But perhaps she got hit on the head by a surfboard,” said La Contessa.“Not between the flags,” said Nick. “We are very strict in keeping boards away from the swimmers, besides …”“Ah, Nick Moore, I know that look,” chided La Contessa as Baxter’s ears pricked up and his tail began to wag. “Besides what?”“When Baxter and I were rolling her on to the board I noticed a contusion on the back of her neck,” said Nick. “Not sharp like the end of a surfboard. The kind you get when you are hit by a blunt instrument like the haft of a knife or handle of a gun.”“So you think someone killed her and left her in the surf to make it look like an accident,” said La Contessa. “But why?”“Well I think we need to look at the death of the former patrol captain Laurie Dobson,” said Nick. “That may yield some clues.”“What? Are you saying that someone is killing off members of the patrol?” said La Contessa. “A surf club serial killer?”“Quite possibly,” said Nick. “We have two dead patrol captains, the old one and his replacement. Each of the remaining patrol members is a potential victim. “We have to find out why before the killer strikes again.”EPISODE TWONick and Baxter have pulled a woman from the surf … “You did everything you could,” Nick told the ashen-faced patrol members as the ambulance crew covered the body of their patrol captain Lauren Murray. “She would have been proud.”“I’m keeping on my dark glasses out of respect,” said a bikini-clad La Contessa. “Darling, have you noticed how wherever we go people seem to come to some misfortune?”“Now you mention it,” said Nick, giving Baxter an affectionate rub as he sat on La Contessa’s towel. “There is a bit of a theme.”“When borders open properly I think we should emigrate and get away from all that,” said La Contessa. “There is a village in the UK called Midsomer where the houses are surprisingly cheap.”Before Nick could respond, the newest and youngest patrol member, Josephine “Jo” Dobson, came over.“I can’t believe Lauren is dead,” said Jo, her hands shaking and tears streaking her cheeks. “She only just took over as captain from my dad.”“That’s right, we only lost poor Laurie a couple of weeks ago,” said Nick. “How did he die?”“He was hit by a truck,” she said. “I know it’s ironic because of his name but that doesn’t make it any easier.”“No, it’s awful,” said La Contessa kindly. “Come on up to the club and we will get you a cup of tea.”“It’s so sad for the patrol to have their captain drown like that,” said La Contessa as Jo started off towards the club. “Now that’s ironic.”“It would have been if she drowned,” said Nick quietly. “But she was murdered.”EPISODE ONESummer and Nick is on patrol with his Surf Life Saving Club. “Darling, it’s so lovely to see you back in uniform,” purred La Contessa, as she arrived at the beach with Baxter.“My Rimini rulebreaker,” sighed Nick. “Dogs are not strictly allowed on the beach.”“Nonsense,” said La Contessa, unpacking her straw bag. “Anyone can see he is on my towel.”La Contessa proceeded to whip off her Zimmermann kaftan to reveal a barely-there bikini. An astonished man walking by tripped over a sandcastle.“I have shoelaces with more substance,” said Nick. “Don’t you think you should cover up?”“Oh, of course darling,” said La Contessa, putting on a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses. The man who had fallen over the sandcastle proceeded to walk through the middle of a picnic.“I love it when you are on patrol, darling. Everyone is so friendly,” said La Contessa. “Why, look at the man in the water just waving at you.”Nick gave a quick blast on his Fox 40 whistle to alert the other patrol members and hurtled towards the water, grabbing a rescue board on the way. As he hit the first wave and prepared to jump on, a white and tan flash surged past him and landed with a thump on the front of the board. Baxter! “Good boy,” said Nick as he paddled furiously towards the man who was waving. Within moments he was there and saw the man was trying to hold someone up.“Looks like one of your lot,” said the man as Nick and Baxter pulled the lifeless woman wearing a lifesaver’s cap on to the board. “I think she is dead.”
from Daily Telegraph https://ift.tt/3IxGjtR
January 23, 2022 at 11:30PM
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“What do you mean you lost her?” said Detective Inspector Cleaver to his nephew, Senior Constable Daniel Cleaver. “You were meant to cuff her, put her in the wagon and then let her go once you were round the corner.”“I know Uncle Dave, er Detective Inspector, but there was a bank robbery and they called for the paddy wagon.”“With my wife in it,” said Nick, his head in his hands. “This is really not good.”They were back at Nick’s home and anxiously waiting to hear La Contessa’s whereabouts. Suddenly Baxter started barking and the back gate opened.“Why all the long faces?” said La Contessa. “Nick, be a darling and mix me a martini would you? I have had the most amazing adventure.”“How did you get out?” said Nick, jumping to his feet and giving his wife an enormous hug. Baxter charged around the garden in excited circles.“Well there was a bank robbery and they caught the two culprits,” explained La Contessa. “Mike ‘Shotgun’ Murphy and Ray ‘The Butcher’ Heinz.”“You were locked in a van with those two?” said Nick, his face white. “I need a martini, too.”“Yes, they both knew you darling,” said La Contessa. “Mr Shotgun said you had given them time, which I thought was very kind of you.”“I’m surprised they were caught,” said Nick.“Yes, Mr Butcher said they had an inside man at the bank who let them down,” said La Contessa. “They were very supportive when I was explaining to the sergeant at the police station you had obviously arrested me by mistake and he let me go.”Return tomorrow for the next episode.EPISODE 33“This is Detective Inspector Cleaver,” Nick said, nodding towards the portly policeman standing in the surf club main hall. “And the young uniformed officer next to him is his nephew Senior Constable Daniel Cleaver.”“It’s lovely of you all to come,” said La Contessa. “My clever husband has discovered some new leads in the murders of patrol captain Laurie Dobson and his replacement Lauren Murray.”“Yes, it seems every one of you has a motive for killing at least one of them,” said Nick. “And Jo Dobson would really like to know who killed her father.”“Well, get on with it,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight, looking at his watch. “Some of us have places to be.”“And missing club funds to find,” said Nick acidly. “Money makes a wonderful motive for murder.”“Come on, Nick,” said bus driver Bazza Jones. “He’s a bank manager not a killer.”“And spurned lovers often act violently,” Nick said to him. “Lauren had just ended your relationship.”“No, no, Barry would never do anything like that,” said Lena Kuzina, springing to his defence. “He is a wonderful man.”“And one who went into the arms of Lauren Murray, failing to notice the obvious torch you are carrying for him,” said Nick, causing Lena to blush crimson and Bazza’s jaw to drop in surprise. “Jealousy is also a motive.“The guilty party is in this room,” said Nick, turning to the young policeman. “Book ’em, Danno.”Senior Constable Cleaver stepped forward and snapped the handcuffs on La Contessa’s wrists.“Darling, there must be some mistake,” she said in shock. Baxter whimpered.“Take her away,” said Nick.EPISODE 32“Put your arms through the belt,” Nick shouted down to La Contessa at the bottom of the blowhole, “and we will pull you out.”“That’s terribly ingenious of you, darling,” La Contessa called back. “Tug away.”The teenage girls from the surf club march past team began to turn the reel and the ancient rope went taut, creaking and twanging ominously. “The rope is not going to hold,” shouted Bazza Jones urgently as the reel began to slide towards the hole.“Hurry, darling, the water is … glub … cough … glug,” called La Contessa as the incoming tide rose above her head. Baxter started barking furiously.“Jam the reel against the rock edge and wind that rope in,” called Nick urgently, throwing himself against the handle. “Come on, girls, pull.”Suddenly the line went loose and the sea inside the hole made a hideous gurgling sound.“Oh no, she’s going to blow,” shouted Bazza.The water roared up the spout of the blowhole, carrying La Contessa with it. She was flung 3m into the air and came crashing down on top of Nick.“Good catch, darling,” she said breathlessly. “Oh, hello girls, thank you for coming to help.”“Are you OK?” gasped Nick from beneath her. “I think I may have some broken ribs.”“I’m fine, thank you. When I realised the water was going to shoot up the spout I tucked everything in and prepared for lift-off,” said La Contessa. “Just like a human cannon ball.”She jumped up and pulled a groaning Nick to his feet.“Upsy daisy,” she said. “This is no time for lying around. I have discovered something crucial in our murder inquiry.”EPISODE 31“Hurry darling,” La Contessa shouted from 20m below. “The tide is starting to force water up the blowhole.”On the clifftop above her, Nick had a horrible vision of his beautiful wife being fired like a champagne cork out of the blowhole and looked around desperately. On the beach he saw Bazza Jones drilling his march past team of teenage girls and waved at them urgently. Bazza waved back.Baxter flew down from the cliff top to the beach and began barking at them furiously, as Nick waved for them to come to him. Eventually Bazza got the message and the team marched in precision formation to the top of the blowhole.“This is highly unusual,” said Bazza when they reached the top. “We are trained for marching on flat sand, not up steep and uneven inclines. What’s going on?”“Mariabella is trapped by the tide in the blowhole,” said Nick, pulling at the belt attached to the reel by a length of rope. “We can lower this down to her and pull her out … What is it?”“Well, this was designed to reel people back in through the water,” said Bazza doubtfully. “You will remember the crucial role it played in saving lives in Bondi on Black Sunday in 1938.”“Your point,” said Nick, preparing to lower the belt into the hole as the girls quickly anchored the reel of rope with their feet. “Tempus fugit.”“Well it is not designed to pull people through the air,” said Bazza, as La Contessa let out a cry from below. “And this particular one is more than 50 years old.”EPISODE 30“Oh dear,” La Contessa said to herself as she scrambled onto higher rocks inside the blowhole. “The tide is coming in faster than I can get out.”She pulled out her mobile phone and looked at the blank screen forlornly. No reception. She looked up at the sky showing at the top of the blowhole 20m above her head. “Unless my darling boys can pull a rabbit out of a hat I may be shooting out of that like a cork from a champagne bottle very soon,” she sighed, as a silent tear slid unnoticed down her cheek.Nick pulled up next to La Contessa’s Mercedes parked in the club president’s spot outside the surf club. He turned off the “find my car” app he had installed after La Contessa went missing the last time and looked at Baxter. “It’s up to you now,” he said, reaching over to open the door.“Yowf,” said Baxter before jumping out and sniffing around La Contessa’s car in increasing circles. Suddenly, he darted off towards the rocks at the northern end of the beach.“Good boy, follow the scent,” shouted Nick, puffing after the galloping Beagle. “Are you sure boy? That looks like Dead Man’s Hole.”By the time Nick reached the rocks near the entrance of Dead Man’s Hole the tide was sweeping in. Baxter had already scrambled up the rock face towards the top of the blowhole where he stopped, wagging his tail and barking. Nick, panting, reached the blowhole and peered in.“Mariabella,” he shouted. “What are you doing down there?”“I was looking for clues, darling, and I’ve rather got caught by the tide,” La Contessa shouted. “Would you mind awfully fetching a rope or something, I’m getting rather wet.”EPISODE 29“That’s very interesting,” La Contessa said to Jo Dobson. “So you say that before she was murdered Lauren Murray kept visiting Dead Man’s Hole.”“Yes, Lena Kuzina said it was odd she kept going in at low tide,” said Jo. “She thought maybe she had hidden something in there.”“Well there is really only one way to find out,” said La Contessa. “It is like spotting a bargain in the sales – instant action wins the day.”“I’ll let Nick know where you have gone when he gets back from walking Baxter,” said Jo helpfully. “Good luck.”La Contessa hopped into her Mercedes and sped towards the beach, parking as usual in the spot reserved for the club president. She headed towards the rocks at the northern end of the beach.“Looks like the tide is about to start coming in,” La Contessa said to herself. “But if I hurry I think I can make it.”As La Contessa entered the dark cave with the incoming tide splashing her ankles, Nick and Baxter arrived home to an empty house.“No note, no clue, nothing,” Nick said to Baxter. “I don’t know about you fella but I have a very uneasy feeling.”“Yowf,” said Baxter.“You too,” said Nick. “We had better try and find her.”Down at the beach, La Contessa had ventured into the back of the blowhole and was looking up at the tiny circle of light high at the top of the rock spout. “Now where on earth would she hide something in here,” said La Contessa. “I must be very careful not to lose track of the time …”EPISODE 28“Darling, I think that is a wonderful idea,” said La Contessa as she prepared a charcuterie board. “We have rather neglected patrol captain Lauren Murray’s death.”“Yes, we have been so busy chasing the missing money that we have failed to spot crucial clues in her death,” said Nick, shaking a martini as Jo Dobson joined them in the kitchen.“There were an awful lot of rumours about Lauren,” said Jo as La Contessa took a strand of vine tomatoes from the fridge. “She had just ended her affair with Bazza the bus driver and before that she had slept with treasurer Trevor Fairlight and nearly ended his marriage.”“She was the good ship easy virtue?” asked La Contessa.“More like the patrol’s own rescue board,” said Jo Dobson. “Everyone had had a …”She was interrupted by Nick coughing violently as La Contessa’s pupils widened blackly and a red flush spread up her Sicilian neck. She grasped the kitchen knife tightly.“Everyone?” she said, holding two of the tomatoes in her hand before slicing them free from the vine and spearing them to the chopping board with the knife. Nick blanched.“Oh, no not everyone,” said Jo, completely unaware as La Contessa began savagely chopping into a salami in front of Nick’s horrified gaze. “She got nowhere with Nick. He only has eyes for you.”“Oh, of course, my darling would be immune to her charms,” said La Contessa, visibly brightening.“When you have the best, forget the rest,” said Nick, wiping his brow and pouring out the cocktails. “Martini anyone?”EPISODE 27“Oh darling, anyone would think you are pleased to see me,” said La Contessa. “Or is that a rescue tube in your pocket?”“Well, I was a little concerned when Trevor said he had convinced you the anchor rope was a safety line and you had it wrapped around your leg,” said Nick. “I didn’t want to have to swim out and rescue you.”“You would have done that for me?” sighed La Contessa. “But you needn’t have worried. Baxter and I had everything under control.”Nick raised a quizzical eyebrow as they walked back up the beach, Baxter happily scampering ahead.“Have you forgotten I learnt to lip read years ago,” said La Contessa. “It is the only way to keep up with gossip at parties. I let him tell you about the missing money and then when he started to go on I told Baxter to take him out.”“Good boy, Baxter,” said Nick as the beagle wagged his tail. “So you saw him say that he had taken the money and then paid it back and that Laurie Dobson had then hid it to stop it happening again.”“Exactly,” said La Contessa. “Although I don’t know where that leaves our investigation. “It seems a bit silly to kill Laurie before you know where he has hidden the money. That would leave you in some pretty deep water.”“But not as deep water as our friend Trevor is in now,” said Nick, gesturing over his shoulder to where Trevor Fairlight was still paddling back towards shore. “You are assuming of course that he was telling the truth.”EPISODE 26“Don’t do it, Trevor,” Nick shouted into the two-way radio. “Let’s talk.”“I’ve got your attention now,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight. “If I knew that all I needed was to tie your wife to an anchor and take her out to sea I would have done it ages ago.”“Well, I’m listening,” said Nick. “Do you want to tell me about the missing money?”“I didn’t steal it,” Trevor said angrily into the radio. “I just borrowed it for a few days. I had a miscalculation at the bank and needed to cover the missing money.”“So you took the club funds,” said Nick.“Yes, but I paid them back,” said Trevor. “And then that dolt Laurie Dobson realised the money had been moved and hid it to stop it happening again. Now I don’t know where it is.”“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” said Nick. “Without holding my wife and dog hostage out at sea.”“I want your guarantee that you will not inform the bank,” said Trevor. “If not, over the side she goes.”“I can’t do that,” said Nick. “I don’t negotiate with blackmailers. Ever.”At the front of the rubber ducky La Contessa was watching Trevor with increasing frustration.“Now Baxter,” she said.The intrepid beagle launched himself and hit Trevor square in the chest, sending him into the water. “Yowf,” said Baxter, as Trevor bobbed to the surface. La Contessa quickly unwrapped the anchor rope from her leg and scooted to the back where she took control of the outboard. “Enjoy the swim,” she called to Trevor before turning the boat to shore.EPISODE 25“So why are we here, darling?” asked La Contessa as she pulled up in the president’s parking spot at the surf club. “Surely you don’t think the late Laurie Dobson buried the missing funds at the beach.”“No, my Montepulciano Marple,” said Nick. “Club treasurer Trevor Fairlight is here driving the Inshore Rescue Boat and putting out the buoys for board training. I thought we might have a chat.”Baxter was already out of the car and dashing towards the beach. La Contessa set off in hot pursuit. By the time Nick rounded the club house they were already at the water’s edge and talking to Trevor Fairlight. Before Nick could get close enough to be heard they had both hopped into the red, rubber boat with Trevor and were roaring out to sea. Nick grabbed a two-way radio from the head coach who was walking down with a rescue board.“Trevor, what are you doing?” he said. “Trevor, do you read me?”“Now Nick, you know that’s not proper radio protocol,” Trevor’s voice crackled over the radio. “I think it is time you backed off with all the questions.”“Don’t do this, Trevor,” said Nick. “Come back to shore and talk.”“La Contessa has the anchor rope wrapped around her ankle,” said Trevor. “I told her it was a safety rope in case she fell out. She can’t hear me because of the engine.”“Trevor, what has happened to you?” said Nick. “Stop now before it’s too late.”“Think about it, Nick,” said Trevor. “Just one push of the anchor and it and your lovely wife will go straight to the bottom of the sea.”EPISODE 24“Darling, what do you look for in a filly,” asked La Contessa, looking up from a thick book of statistics.“Well a chestnut mane,” said Nick, pausing from mixing a martini. “Good form, fine legs and a splendid rump. Much the same qualities I would look for in a horse.”“I was talking about a horse,” said La Contessa rather frostily. “The girls and I are thinking of buying one at the Magic Millions yearling sales this week.”Nick blanched.“Aren’t they rather expensive?” he said, before taking a restorative sip of the martini.“Well Takeover Target cost $1375 and won $6 million,” said La Contessa. “And Winx cost $230,000 and won $22 million. “Then there is the prize bonus for syndicates of women owners.”“Well, when you put it like that it sounds a bit better,” said Nick reflectively. “Perhaps I should put the champagne on ice and prepare the bank manager for a few major deposits.”“Speaking of accounts,” said La Contessa. “Have you had any breakthroughs on what was going on with the surf club accounts?”“Well on the surface it looks like Laurie Dobson was moving cash out of the club accounts,” said Nick. “Including the bequest from the Rooneys’ mother.”“But that doesn’t explain why club treasurer Trevor Fairlight acted so strange when we asked him about it,” said La Contessa.“Exactly my Siracusa sleuth,” said Nick. “Which makes me wonder if Laurie was actually moving the money to stop it being stolen.”“And that leaves two questions,” said La Contessa, nodding. “Who was he protecting it from and where has he hidden it?”EPISODE 23“Is it me or is it getting rather warm in here?” asked Nick, sweat beading his brow. “You certainly look rather hot.”“We don’t have time for that Nicholas Moore,” said La Contessa. “My worry is that spending too long in an infrared sauna can lead to dehydration.”“You forget who you are with,” said Nick, flourishing a cocktail shaker and two glasses from behind his back. “Naturally I assumed we would be having a martini in here.”“Oh wonderful, darling,” said La Contessa. “Pour me one while I try to figure out how we managed to get locked in a sauna with no lock.”Nick poured the martinis and peered through the glass door where Baxter was sitting patiently outside. “It looks like someone has left a door wedge there to drop into place and lock us in,” he said, sipping the martini. “Even if I say so myself, that is really rather good.”“Yes it is,” said La Contessa appreciatively. “You are a man equipped with a martini for every occasion. Now apply that big detective brain of yours and figure out how we are going to get out of here.”“I don’t suppose your phone is tucked into your bikini somewhere?” said Nick hopefully. La Contessa raised her eyebrows. “No, obviously not.”As they continued to ponder their problem, there was a scuffling and snuffling from outside the sauna. After several minutes the door opened to reveal Baxter, tail wagging, with the door wedge between his teeth.“Baxter! You clever boy,” said La Contessa, hugging the delighted beagle as Nick looked at the wedge thoughtfully.“That was certainly no accident,” he said.EPISODE 22“My dad was a good man,” said Jo Dobson. “I cannot believe he would steal the club funds.”“Certainly the club treasurer Trevor Fairlight was acting very strangely,” said Nick, opening the garden gate after walking Baxter.“What on earth is this?” said Nick as they walked in. “Someone’s put a pine telephone box in the garden. And it’s humming.”“Do you like it, darling?” said La Contessa, emerging from the box in a trademark skimpy bikini. “I was just giving it a trial run.”Baxter sniffed the box and passed his verdict with a cocked leg. Sensing storm clouds, Jo headed inside. “Baxter be careful, you could short the electrics,” said La Contessa. “And it cost a lot of money.”“How much money, my Prato profligate?” asked Nick. “What is it?”“It’s an infra-red sauna,” said La Contessa. “It’s good for joints.”“Good Lord, you smoke drugs in there?” said Nick.“No, silly, it eases your bones and returns your skin to that of a teenager.”“Well, you hardly need that,” said Nick, peering into the red-lit interior. “It rather reminds me of a giant human jaffle maker.”“Come on and try it,” said La Contessa, tugging at Nick’s shirt.“And I might as well try and get my money’s worth,” said Nick. La Contessa pulled him inside leaving Baxter peering through the reinforced glass door with a puzzled frown. The infra-red lights powered on as the door clicked shut.“Oh dear,” said La Contessa after a moment. “We appear to be locked in.”EPISODE 21“I know it’s the first day of the Ashes Pink Test, Trevor,” observed La Contessa. “And your cheeks have coloured up to match.”“Well, it is suddenly very hot,” said club treasurer Trevor Fairlight, turning a deeper shade of crimson. “Perhaps I should go.”“Not so fast,” said Nick as Baxter let out a warning growl. “I want you to tell me why Laurie Dobson’s version of the club accounts has just $1.05 in it.”“Exactly, I was, er, trying to find that out myself,” stammered Trevor. “I was going to ask him but he fell under a bus.”“Or was conveniently pushed,” said Nick. “No wonder the Rooneys were angry. Not only did their late mother leave everything to the club but now the money has vanished.”“Does the club really have no money at all?” asked La Contessa. “That seems to me a little, well, careless.”“I, er, think the money may have been put somewhere for safekeeping,” said Trevor. “I was just going home to look for it.”“Like under the bed?” asked Nick wryly.“No, no, er, ha ha, I mean in some separate accounts,” said Trevor. “I think Laurie may have mentioned them to me. I was just going to check.”“I know a certain policeman who would be very interested to hear how that search goes,” said Nick. “We will be keeping close tabs on you.”Trevor Fairlight scuttled off, leaving Nick holding Laurie Dobson’s ledger.“I know you are the detective darling,” said La Contessa. “But if you ask me, there is something very dodgy going on here.”EPISODE 20“I know the envelope said Shirley Rooney on the front,” said La Contessa. “What I cannot understand is what that is doing in there.”“It is rather unexpected to find Laurie Dobson’s ledger for the surf club accounts,” mused Nick, flicking open the book. “Here is the bequest from Mrs Rooney’s mother.”“But the money has gone in and straight out again,” said La Contessa, her brow creased with a frown. “And it looks like the club funds amount to $1.05. Surely that can’t be right?”Nick looked up to see club treasurer Trevor Fairlight glancing furtively in their direction as he hurriedly shoved his towel into his backpack.“Leaving so early Trevor,” shouted Nick. “Half a patrol is a job half done.”“Urgent call from the wife,” Trevor shouted back. “Got to run.”“You sure it hasn’t got anything to do with us finding Laurie’s copy of the club accounts?” called Nick waving the ledger in the air. “I would love to see how this compares with your version.”Trevor gave a half-hearted wave and started to hurry off the beach towards the pedestrian promenade.“That seems awfully sudden,” said La Contessa. “Funny he doesn’t want to stop for a chat.”“Extremely odd,” said Nick. “Baxter!”The beagle immediately set off across the sand, his ears flapping like wings in the wind and his paws whirling as he quickly narrowed the distance to the rapidly retreating treasurer. Baxter made up the last few yards and hit Fairlight squarely behind the knees, felling him instantly.“Do be careful, Trevor,” shouted La Contessa. “You could have injured the dog.”EPISODE 19‘Darling you look a little dusty for this patrol,” said La Contessa. “I thought you were going to give up martinis for January.”“I was,” sighed Nick. “Then I remembered that you always say you hate quitters.”Nick was helping his fellow patrol members put up the red patrol tent between the flags in front of the surf club. Baxter was busy digging in the sand where the New Year’s Eve fireworks had been set up.“It was a close shave with all those rockets firing at us on the club balcony,” mused La Contessa. “I wonder if someone really did deliberately sabotage the display?”“Rather a coincidence after Mrs Rooney and her boys threatened us all because her late mother had left her money to the club,” said Nick. “What is that dog up to?”Baxter had disappeared from view into an ever increasing hole with sand flying into the air.“Baxter, I think digging a hole there may be a grave mistake,” said La Contessa, walking over to investigate. “And I would hate for you to get a miner injury.”As she approached, the sandy beagle popped his head up with a plastic bag in his mouth. “Oh you clever boy, what have you found?” said La Contessa, unwrapping the bag. “It looks like something in an envelope.”Nick strolled over and pulled up short as he read the name on the front. “Shirley Rooney,” he said. “Perhaps they dropped it when they were tampering with the fireworks.”He opened the envelope and pulled out the contents. La Contessa gasped in surprise.EPISODE 18‘Happy New Year darling,” said La Contessa, clinking Nick’s champagne glass. “What’s your New Year’s resolution?”“I have resolved to make better bad decisions this year,” said Nick. “And to save money by cancelling that gym membership you took out for me. And you?”“Well I am going to cut down on online shopping,” said La Contessa. “From now on I’m doing all my purchasing in stores.”They were standing on the balcony of the surf club with the others in Nick’s patrol and looking out at a temporary scaffolding loaded with fireworks. As the champagne corks popped, the first fireworks sputtered into life.“Oh look, it is spelling out the club’s name,” said La Contessa. “But the scaffolding seems a little shaky.”Slowly the structure appeared to tip towards the club, bringing rockets and coloured balls of flame from giant Roman candles to bear on the balcony the patrol members were standing on.“Duck,” shouted Nick as a red ball of fire shot over his head in a spray of sparks. He pulled La Contessa down to the floor where Baxter was lying with his paws over his head. Smoke spiralled from the singe marks on his yellow patrol shirt. A rocket shot through the open balcony door, across the club room and straight out of the open kitchen window.“Now I know how Londoners felt during the Blitz,” said La Contessa after the last firework had fizzled out. “What a terrible accident.”“That was no accident,” snorted Nick angrily. “Those fireworks were aimed at our patrol. That was sabotage.”EPISODE 17“That’s enough!” said La Contessa, putting herself between the angry woman and the sobbing daughter of late patrol captain Laurie Dobson. “You cannot threaten people like that.”“Oh really?” said Shirley Rooney. “Not only does this club con us out of my mother’s will, but now I can’t talk about it.” As she spoke, an enormous bearded man with biker tattoos came to stand next to her. A black pit bull strained at the leash in his balled fist. Baxter took station on La Contessa’s left and glared back.“I think this can be resolved without threats or violence,” said Nick, walking forward to stand on La Contessa’s right. “Perhaps over a martini.”“Oh, you do,” said Mrs Rooney as several young men in singlets walked up behind her. “Have you met my sons?” “Not on this side of the prison bars,” said Nick quietly. “Exactly how much money did your mother leave to the surf club?”“Everything. The house, the car, all her savings,” spat Mrs Rooney. “It is not justice. We want that back.”“I believe Mr Dobson was trying to find an equitable solution,” said Nick. “Until someone pushed him under a bus.”“We don’t want an equitable solution. We want our money,” said Mrs Rooney. “And if we cannot get it in cash we will take it in blood.” “That’s enough, Ma,” said one of the boys from behind her. “There’s too many of them.” Nick glanced behind him to see the surf club members ranked in silent support. When he turned back the Rooneys were walking down the beach. “They’ll be back,” he said.EPISODE 16Darling you were wonderful,” said La Contessa, throwing her arms around her husband. “Are you sure the shark has gone?”“Absolutely my Caccamo Cousteau,” replied Nick. “I was merely the crew, our club treasurer Trevor Fairlight was a fearless skipper.”“Makes a change from sitting behind a desk in a bank,” smiled Trevor modestly. “Or working out the club accounts.”“Yes, I wanted to ask you about the bequest Laurie was working on before his untimely demise,” said Nick. “You say the family was angry?”Before Trevor could answer a furious woman with a tangled mop of red hair came up to the patrol tent and started shouting. “Look at this lot,” she said, jabbing a finger at the volunteers. “Most selfish people on the beach.”“Hardly selfish Mrs Rooney,” said Trevor calmly. “Everyone here is giving up their holiday time with their family to keep people safe.”“Bulldust,” she snorted. “Standing there all holier than thou when we all know you are just in it for the money.”“Now, Mrs Rooney we have been through this,” said Trevor. “It is not our fault that your mother left her fortune to the surf club in her will.”“Oh right, you people come round in your red and yellow uniforms begging for funds and con an old woman into leaving you all her money,” snorted Mrs Rooney. “MY money.”“Mr Dobson was trying to sort that out …,” said Trevor.“And look what happened to him – ended up under a bus,” sneered the angry woman as Laurie Dobson’s daughter, Jo, let out a little sob. “Watch out, or you’ll be next.”EPISODE 15 “That’s a twenty-footer,” gasped Trevor Fairlight as the sleek grey shark passed alongside the broken down inflatable rescue boat.“Twenty five,” said Nick. “Three tonnes of him. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”The fin of the big white pointer sliced through the water as the shark came closer and nudged the boat.“He’s testing us,” said Nick. “Next time he will take a bite. How are you going with the engine?”Trevor was frantically fiddling and muttering through a checklist that he kept restarting. Nick decided to distract him so that he would return to the checklist by rote.“So why do you think someone would want to kill Laurie Dobson?” he asked.“What? Oh, I don’t know,” said Trevor, now running through the engine list more calmy. “You know I’m the club treasurer and he was helping out with a big bequest we had received.”“That’s interesting,” said Nick, watching the shark’s fin turn towards them and pick up speed. “Any problems with that?”“Yes, the old lady’s family was bitterly opposed to the club getting all her money,” said Trevor. “Laurie was dealing with them. “They were very angry.”The shark was picking up speed as it tore towards the boat. Nick looked down, turned on the fuel line and said: “Try it now.”Trevor pulled on the starter and the engine roared into life. He twisted on the throttle and the boat jumped away as the disappointed shark turned back towards the beach.They turned the boat in a tight arc and headed back towards the shark.EPISODE 14“Ho, ho, ho,” shouted Nick as the red rubber ducky carrying him in a Santa suit pulled into the beach. Nick jumped off the front and promptly disappeared from view into a deep channel.“Here you go, children,” he spluttered as he emerged, his soggy Santa suit now 20kg heavier, handing out wet presents to a horde of Nippers swarming around him.“I think that went very well, darling,” said La Contessa sometime later. She had heeded Nick’s appeal to wear a one-piece swimsuit and her barely there top was linked to a micro bottom by a single strand. There was a cry as a man walking past the patrol tent fell into a hole.“Thank you my Brindisi bombshell,” said Nick, now back in his surf lifesaving uniform. “Have you heard anything from the patrol members about the two deaths?”But before La Contessa could answer, a panting surfer in a black wetsuit ran up to the tent.“Shh, shh, shh …”“Quiet please,” said Nick. “He is trying to tell us something.”“SHARK!” shouted the surfer.Nick was already running towards the red inshore rescue boat as the other patrol members started blowing their whistles and urging people from the water. Nick and driver Trevor Fairlight pulled the front of the boat into the waves and fired up the outboard.“Has it ever occurred to you that we are rushing out towards one of the most deadly creatures on the planet in the equivalent of a child’s paddling pool?” shouted Nick.“It’s OK as long as the engine doesn’t die,” shouted Trevor as the engine fell silent.EPISODE 13“I thought La Nina would mean no bushfires this year,” said Detective Inspector Cleaver, sipping his pre-Christmas dinner sherry. “But I’m sure I can smell smoke.”“Now you mention it,” said Jo Dobson, daughter of murdered patrol captain Laurie. “I can too.”“The turkey!” cried La Contessa, leaping to her feet and sending glasses flying. “I put it in last night and forgot to turn off the oven.”“What do you mean you put it in last night?” asked Nick, following her into the kitchen and watching as she pulled a blackened, smoking corpse from the oven. “Were you worried it would not be cooked?”“Christmas is ruined!” wailed La Contessa as a flame licked at the turkey leg. Baxter gave the burnt offering a cursory sniff and retreated to the garden in disgust. “Even the dog won’t eat it.”“Don’t panic my Imola immolator,” said Nick, his head in the fridge. “Only the turkey is ruined, the vegetables are all fine.”He emerged holding a tiny spatchcock, his eyebrows raised in question.“I was going to do the turducken thing with one bird stuffed in another but I changed my mind,” said La Contessa. “Thank goodness mother is not here to see this.” “We carry on,” said Nick, putting the spatchcock on a baking tray and popping it into the oven. “Never cry foul over fowl.”An hour later they were all sitting at the table as Nick appeared carrying an enormous board with the tiny spatchcock. La Contessa was dabbing her eyes with her apron. Nick ceremoniously sharpened the knife and asked: “Leg or breast?”EPISODE 12“Go on, Detective Inspector,” urged La Contessa. “Open your present first.”The portly policeman ripped at the wrapping to reveal a round silver tin of Dunhill pipe tobacco imported from England. He smiled appreciatively.“Now me,” said La Contessa, tearing open a package to reveal a tiny wisp of lace. Nick coloured slightly.“Ah, yes, well I thought we might be opening that on our own,” he stammered. “Merry Christmas.”Josephine Dobson, daughter of dead patrol captain Laurie, then tore at a large package and pulled out a lime green shapeless cashmere jumper with a snowman on the front.“My mother knitted it,” said La Contessa, as Jo cast a stricken look for help to Nick.“Don’t worry, you are not expected to wear it,” he whispered. “Give it to Baxter.”“Here is your gift, darling,” said La Contessa with a flourish.Nick opened the package to find a tracker to attach to his car keys.“But I don’t lose my keys,” said Nick.“No, it’s for my keys,” said La Contessa. “I am giving you the gift of time. No more wasted hours helping look for my keys and being late everywhere we go.”La Contessa then pulled out two packages and put them on the floor in front of Baxter and Detective Inspector Cleaver’s bulldog Brian, who were already salivating.“You can’t beat a few dead bones at Christmas,” she laughed as the dogs ripped open the paper. Jo Dobson stifled a sudden sob, jumped to her feet and ran down the hall and into her room. “Oh dear, that may have been a little insensitive.”EPISODE 11“Darling, are you sure mother cannot come for Christmas?” asked La Contessa for perhaps the 10th time that morning. “She does so love a family occasion.”“I have been on the phone trying for a flight all morning,” said Nick sadly as the sound of a re-run of the Ashes radio cricket commentary played in his earphones. “Howzat!”“What’s that darling?” asked La Contessa, looking up from the cake she was icing. “Success?”“Er, no, I was saying how’s that for service,” sighed Nick. “I am afraid that dearly sainted woman will have to spend the festive season alone.”Baxter wagged his tail appreciatively.“Well we certainly won’t be lonely,” said La Contessa. “I have asked Josephine Dobson to come and spend a few days with us.”“Splendid idea my Hermada hostess,” said Nick. “And while she is here we can quiz her on what she knows about the death of her patrol captain father Laurie.”“Oh yes, so we could,” said La Contessa. “I was actually feeling rather sorry for her after losing her dad like that. Apparently her mother is also dead and she has no siblings.”The front door bell rang and Baxter erupted into barking life, hurtling down the wooden hall in a whirl of scrabbling paws. Nick followed and moments later reappeared with a young blonde woman carrying an overnight case.“Jo, darling, welcome,” said La Contessa, throwing her arms into the air. “Mi casa e su casa.”“Thank you so much for having me,” said Jo quietly. “It will be so nice to spend Christmas with people who knew my dad.”EPISODE 10“That’s better,” sighed Nick taking a sip of his martini. “So how did you both end up buried up to your necks on the beach?”They were sitting, bedraggled and covered in sand, at the outdoor tables of the cafe opposite the surf club. Baxter had drunk three bowls of water and was passed out under the table.“Well darling you had just left when the phone rang and a voice said: ‘The killer is at the club’,” explained La Contessa. “Of course, Baxter and I whizzed straight over.”“Did you recognise the voice?” asked Nick. “Was it male or female?”“I couldn’t tell,” said La Contessa. “It was very husky. Anyway we arrived, I parked in my usual spot, and Baxter got straight onto the scent.”La Contessa paused to take a hefty hit of her martini. “Baxter dragged me round the corner of the building and onto the beach.”“I think I can see where this is going, my Inverigo innocent,” said Nick.“Exactly,” said La Contessa. “Baxter latched onto something in the sand and the next thing he was wobbling around. I bent down to see if he was OK and something bumped me on the back of the head.”“Sounds like Baxter was drugged and you were coshed,” said Nick, balling his fists.“The next thing I knew we were buried in the sand and the waves were getting closer,” said La Contessa, stifling a sob. “Then my knight in shining armour arrived.”“The one thing we do know,” said Nick, squeezing her shoulder. “Someone wants to stop us asking questions.”EPISODE NINE‘Hurry!” said La Contessa. “That last wave stopped six inches short of my chin.” Nick fell to his knees and started frantically digging.“The dog!” exclaimed La Contessa. “You choose to rescue the dog first?”“Yowf,” said Baxter as Nick pulled the sandy beagle free. Baxter gave himself a shake and immediately set to work like a tunnel boring machine digging at the sand trapping La Contessa.“Oh I see,” conceded La Contessa. “Four paws are better than none. Quick you two, that wave almost reached us.”Nick freed La Contessa’s arms and she started scooping the sand away too. Some of the dry sand poured back into the hole and the next wave was only held back by Baxter’s growing pile. “If the water gets in the hole we will be in trouble,” gasped Nick, sweat beading his brow. “Come on Baxter!”The tireless dog redoubled his efforts and La Contessa let out a cry as she pulled her foot free. The second was moments behind it just as a wave finally poured into the hole, turning the sand to heavy sludge.“We just made it,” sighed Nick, laying on the sand next to a spreadeagled and panting Baxter. “That was close.”“I never doubted you boys,” said La Contessa, sitting beside them. “Although you were a bit slow following my clue.”“Why didn’t you just say where you were going?” asked Nick.“Can I do that on an investigation?” said La Contessa. “I thought detectives have to leave clues.”“My mistake,” said Nick. “Now, would you like to tell me exactly how you both managed to find yourselves buried up to your necks on the beach?”EPISODE EIGHTMariabella, Baxter, I’m home,” called Nick as he came through the back gate. “Hello.”The house was unusually quiet. There was none of the familiar yapping. Baxter was silent too.“Odd,” Nick said to himself as he went from room to room. “Where could they be at this hour. It’s martini-o-clock.”His eyes fell on a hastily scribbled note laying haphazardly on the glass-topped coffee table in the garden. “Gone clubbing,” it read.Nick’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I hardly think Baxter is going to enjoy cutting the rug at a discotheque.”He headed out to the garage where La Contessa’s black Mercedes SLK was missing. He hopped into his Ford Ranger – a bit excessive for the city but very handy at Bunnings – and drove off. Nick relaxed his shoulders and followed his gut.Before long he found himself tootling along the seafront towards the surf club where he spotted La Contessa’s Mercedes parked in a spot marked: “For exclusive use of the club president.”Darkness had fallen, he could hear the waves pounding on the beach but could only vaguely see the whitewash. He thought he heard something and strained his ears. Nick trusted his instinct and walked onto the sand.Approaching the sea he saw two bumps on the water’s edge. At first he thought they might be a pair of footballs forgotten by some children but as he got closer they began to take shape.“Mariabella! Baxter!” exclaimed Nick. They were both buried up to their neck’s in the sand.“I thought you would never get here,” said La Contessa. “You had better hurry, the tide is coming in.”EPISODE SEVEN“Well darling I think we need to divide and conquer,” said La Contessa. “Why don’t I try and speak to the bank fellow Trevor Fairlight.”“Only the head of MyWealth Bank,” said Nick. “And I have just received a text from Lena Kuzina saying she will meet me for a coffee in the city.”A short time later Nick was shifting uncomfortably under the unwavering gaze of platinum blonde patrol member Lena Kuzina.“You know in the Ukraine we have a saying,” she said. “The maggot in the apple is always juicy.”Nick looked nonplussed.“You’re right,” said Lena. “It doesn’t really translate very well.”“Can you think of a reason why someone would want to kill our patrol captains Laurie Dobson and Lauren Murray?” asked Nick.“You think they were killed?” said Lena breathlessly, her manicured hand gripping Nick’s arm. “This is just like when our President Viktor Yuschenko was poisoned. It must be the Russians.”“Not sure we have too many Russians on our patrol,” said Nick. “Could it be anyone else?”“Of course Bazza and Lauren were having an affair until she ended it the day before she died,” said Lena. “Maybe he was angry.” “But why Laurie?” said Nick. “Did they have anything in common?”“No, very different. He was very strict. Like a sergeant major,” said Lena. “I liked it. Do you like discipline, Nick?”“Good Lord, is that the time,” said Nick hurriedly getting to his feet. “Have to dash.”“Don’t forget Nick,” Lena called after him. “Look for the Russians.”EPISODE SIX“It is lovely you boys take the dogs for such a long walk,” said La Contessa as Detective Inspector Cleaver arrived at the back gate with his English bulldog Brian.“Healthy heart, healthy brain,” said Cleaver as Nick and Baxter joined them. They headed 200m up the road, turned the corner and sat down on a park bench.“Martini Detective Inspector?” asked Nick, pulling a Thermos of premixed cocktails from his pocket. “I’m keen to hear what you found on the file about the death of patrol captain Laurie Dobson.”“Well as you know, he was ironically killed by a truck after he had finished patrol,” said Cleaver, assembling two antique collapsible silver cups. “Cause of death, misadventure.”“However I sense something more,” said Nick, pouring the martinis as Baxter and Brian both let out audible sighs and lay down by the bench. “Am I correct?”“Yes, the devil is in the detail or rather, in this case, the witness statements,” said Cleaver, pausing to sip his martini. “Several people who saw him tumble into the path of the truck observed a lifesaver scrabbling to save him.”“Do we know who it was?” asked Nick. “No, they did not stick around,” said Cleaver. “Which, as a lifesaver yourself I am sure you are aware, is highly unusual.”“Indeed,” said Nick, nodding slowly. “Was the lifesaver in question really trying to stop poor old Laurie from falling into the truck’s path?”“Or pushing him into it,” said Cleaver. “The questions you need to answer are who and why.”EPISODE FIVE‘So you want me to talk to patrol member Barry ‘Bazza’ Jones,” said La Contessa. “To see if he knows why someone would want to kill patrol captain, Lauren Murray.”“Exactly,” said Nick. “I think he may open up more to a woman.”“Especially if Mr Bazza is so classy that he drives a big blue Mercedes as you say,” said La Contessa.“Ah, my Invergio interlocutor, he is called Bazza because his name is Barry,” explained Nick. “Just like Gary would be Gazza.”“Oh, so our butcher is called Gary,” said La Contessa. “I should call him Gazza?”“No, he has red hair,” explained Nick. “So we call him Blue.”La Contessa looked confused. “What if he had no hair?”“Then he would be called Curly,” said Nick. “Anyway, you had better hurry otherwise you’ll miss Bazza when he comes to pick you up.”Several hours later Nick was on his third martini and pacing the garden with Baxter when La Contessa burst through the back gate.“I didn’t realise Mr Bazza’s big blue Mercedes was a bus,” she said. “They are a wonderful service, just like big cheap Ubers.”“Did you find out anything?” asked Nick after spontaneously hugging his wife.“Oh yes, the 247 and 469 routes run through the night,” said La Contessa. “And then Mr Bazza took me back to the depot for tea with the other drivers before one of them put on the Out Of Service sign and drove me home.”“About the murders?” asked Nick.“Well,” said La Contessa. “Mr Bazza and Lauren were having an affair until she ended it the day before she died.”EPISODE FOURNick spills his martini at La Contessa’s disturbing suggestion. “Anastasia has finally opened the borders,” announced La Contessa delightedly. “Finally we can invite mother to come and stay with us.”Nick gave an involuntary shudder, spilling some of his martini. Baxter whimpered and put his paws over his head.“What a wonderful idea, only …” said Nick as La Contessa raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Only, we know a killer is targeting members of the surf patrol and, even though I only made a guest appearance, technically I could be considered a patrol member.”“You can take care of yourself,” said La Contessa. “But I don’t see what that has to do with my mother coming to visit.”“It’s just that there may be danger,” said Nick. “And I would hate to put that dearly sainted woman at any risk.”“Oh, I never thought of that,” said La Contessa. “You are such a thoughtful and wonderful man. Perhaps she can wait until after we have tracked the killer.”Baxter gave an audible sigh as Nick took a large, relieved sip of his martini.“And so, on with trying to find why these patrol members are being knocked off,” said Nick. “I think it’s time we deployed your considerable talents my Potenza Poirot.”“Oh goody,” said La Contessa. “I think I’ll wear my Burberry Mac so that I look the part. Perhaps with my old Panama and a pair of Manolo Blahniks.”“Attention to detail is crucial,” agreed Nick. “We need to interview the remaining patrol members to see if they have any idea why someone would want them dead.”EPISODE THREELa Contessa shouted “murdered!” to startled glances from nearby beachgoers. She lowered her voice: “How do you know she didn’t drown?”“Lauren Murray was a lifelong member of the surf club, represented it in competitions, she was as at home in the water as a dolphin,” said Nick. “And the surf was not particularly rough.”“But perhaps she got hit on the head by a surfboard,” said La Contessa.“Not between the flags,” said Nick. “We are very strict in keeping boards away from the swimmers, besides …”“Ah, Nick Moore, I know that look,” chided La Contessa as Baxter’s ears pricked up and his tail began to wag. “Besides what?”“When Baxter and I were rolling her on to the board I noticed a contusion on the back of her neck,” said Nick. “Not sharp like the end of a surfboard. The kind you get when you are hit by a blunt instrument like the haft of a knife or handle of a gun.”“So you think someone killed her and left her in the surf to make it look like an accident,” said La Contessa. “But why?”“Well I think we need to look at the death of the former patrol captain Laurie Dobson,” said Nick. “That may yield some clues.”“What? Are you saying that someone is killing off members of the patrol?” said La Contessa. “A surf club serial killer?”“Quite possibly,” said Nick. “We have two dead patrol captains, the old one and his replacement. Each of the remaining patrol members is a potential victim. “We have to find out why before the killer strikes again.”EPISODE TWONick and Baxter have pulled a woman from the surf … “You did everything you could,” Nick told the ashen-faced patrol members as the ambulance crew covered the body of their patrol captain Lauren Murray. “She would have been proud.”“I’m keeping on my dark glasses out of respect,” said a bikini-clad La Contessa. “Darling, have you noticed how wherever we go people seem to come to some misfortune?”“Now you mention it,” said Nick, giving Baxter an affectionate rub as he sat on La Contessa’s towel. “There is a bit of a theme.”“When borders open properly I think we should emigrate and get away from all that,” said La Contessa. “There is a village in the UK called Midsomer where the houses are surprisingly cheap.”Before Nick could respond, the newest and youngest patrol member, Josephine “Jo” Dobson, came over.“I can’t believe Lauren is dead,” said Jo, her hands shaking and tears streaking her cheeks. “She only just took over as captain from my dad.”“That’s right, we only lost poor Laurie a couple of weeks ago,” said Nick. “How did he die?”“He was hit by a truck,” she said. “I know it’s ironic because of his name but that doesn’t make it any easier.”“No, it’s awful,” said La Contessa kindly. “Come on up to the club and we will get you a cup of tea.”“It’s so sad for the patrol to have their captain drown like that,” said La Contessa as Jo started off towards the club. “Now that’s ironic.”“It would have been if she drowned,” said Nick quietly. “But she was murdered.”EPISODE ONESummer and Nick is on patrol with his Surf Life Saving Club. “Darling, it’s so lovely to see you back in uniform,” purred La Contessa, as she arrived at the beach with Baxter.“My Rimini rulebreaker,” sighed Nick. “Dogs are not strictly allowed on the beach.”“Nonsense,” said La Contessa, unpacking her straw bag. “Anyone can see he is on my towel.”La Contessa proceeded to whip off her Zimmermann kaftan to reveal a barely-there bikini. An astonished man walking by tripped over a sandcastle.“I have shoelaces with more substance,” said Nick. “Don’t you think you should cover up?”“Oh, of course darling,” said La Contessa, putting on a wide brimmed hat and sunglasses. The man who had fallen over the sandcastle proceeded to walk through the middle of a picnic.“I love it when you are on patrol, darling. Everyone is so friendly,” said La Contessa. “Why, look at the man in the water just waving at you.”Nick gave a quick blast on his Fox 40 whistle to alert the other patrol members and hurtled towards the water, grabbing a rescue board on the way. As he hit the first wave and prepared to jump on, a white and tan flash surged past him and landed with a thump on the front of the board. Baxter! “Good boy,” said Nick as he paddled furiously towards the man who was waving. Within moments he was there and saw the man was trying to hold someone up.“Looks like one of your lot,” said the man as Nick and Baxter pulled the lifeless woman wearing a lifesaver’s cap on to the board. “I think she is dead.”
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