The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim has been a staple of the adventure RPG genre for almost a decade now, and it's still as popular as ever. In addition to its wonderful gameplay and a massive modding community churning out new content on a consistent basis, there's also a highly entertaining, and sometimes amusing script to go with it.
Many of the characters in Skyrim say some odd things throughout the course of the game, but certain quotes are a cut above the rest in terms of hilarity. These are the lines that will continue to live forever in infamy for being so over the top, and unintentionally funny.
10 "Let Me Guess; Someone Stole Your Sweetroll?"
Skyrim players will come across many a sweetroll during the course of their travels, even if the game handles food in one of the most nonsensical ways. That makes this quote from random guards so much funnier. From an immersion standpoint, it makes absolutely no sense.
It's also puzzling why the guards would simply say this without anything in the way of a conversation. It isn't as if this topic comes up during an exchange. Rather, guards will just nonchalantly insinuate that the player has lost something of value; a common baked treat.
9 "And The Braggart Named Ragnar Was Boastful No More, When His Ugly Red Head Rolled Around On The Floor!"
The various inns of Skyrim aren't particularly well known for their hospitality, luxuries, or entertainment. This is a harsh land with weathered people struggling to survive in a hostile climate, and it's reflected right across the board, even in song. Players who visit the inns are frequently entertained by the local bards, many of which are awful.
Still, there's the wonderfully funny "Ragnar the Red," a song that never seems to get old among the patrons of Skyrim. It's considered a traditional folk tale, and one of the first songs that bards learn. That's easy to understand since it's undoubtedly one of the worst.
8 "I'm A Mad God. The Mad God, Actually. It's A Family Title. Gets Passed Down From Me To Myself Every Few Thousand Years!"
Truer words were never spoken in Skyrim, courtesy of the hilarious Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness. As his name implies, this entity can be quite the madman, and this makes for a host of funny quotes. This particular line occurs during a period when Sheogorath is inhabiting the mind of Pelagius Septim III.
The player engages with Sheogorath in one of Skyrim's most tragically short quests when they're pulled into Pelagius's mind and forced to cure him. He delivers this knee-slapping quote with total sincerity, tossing in a head-scratching conundrum at the end, just to drive the point home.
7 "Nord Nonsense? Why, You Puffed Up Ignorant!"
In the opening act of Skyrim, players square off against a dragon attacking a watchtower near Whiterun, and it's where they first acquire the ability to absorb dragon souls and utilize the Way of the Voice. Upon killing the dragon, the player must return to Whiterun and talk to the Jarl about what happened.
This triggers a dialogue between Proventus Avenicci and Hrongar, the former of which insinuates that it's just a bunch of "Nord nonsense." Hrongar replies with this goofy quote which goes to show how easily the Nords of Skyrim take offense at someone insulting their traditions.
6 "Wait, I Know You."
The crime mechanic in Skyrim is ridiculous and preposterous, which is why the modding community has several great mods that provide a much-needed overhaul. Even so much as stealing a loaf of bread can get players into hot water with the local authorities, which is where this quote comes into play.
The reason it's so funny is because of how silly the crime system actually is. Since even animals act as bystanders which can trigger wanted status in the game, it's a wonder how these guards can recognize criminal players at first glance. There are no wanted signs, posters, or anything else to go by.
5 "Those Warriors From Hammerfell? They've Got Curved Swords. Curved Swords!"
Indeed, the warriors of Hammerfell do dress in garb that isn't particularly native to the province of Skyrim, but this quote still comes off as unintentionally funny. First, it's doubtful that the concept of curved swords is something new, even to the Nords of Skyrim, especially given Tamriel's rich and detailed history.
While this may have been a means to showcase how xenophobic and homogenous the citizens of Skyrim really are, it still comes off as silly. Luckily, it's all in good fun and helps provide a few laughs in addition to watching mammoths pinball between trees due to physics bugs.
4 "Either I'm Drunk, Or You're Naked. Possibly Both."
The drunkards of Skyrim seem to instantly lose their inner filter with the right combination of elements. This quote comes courtesy of Cosnach, a Silver-Blood with an affinity for getting incredibly loaded at the local tavern in Markarth, and it's one of the more popular "naked" quotes in the game.
If the player decides to strip down to their underwear and parade around within his field of view, Cosnach will deliver this line, which is both hilarious and foolish at the same time. If only the poor fellow would work on his character flaws, he might not be uttering things like this while face-down in a goblet of mead.
3 "Is That...Fur Coming Out Of Your Ears?"
The NPCs in Skyrim have a tendency to say all manner of funny things over the course of the game, but some take the cake, including this one. It occurs when players decide to join up with the Companions, a group based out of Whiterun who utilize the powers of the werewolf to defend citizens.
After going through a ritual and becoming a werewolf, guards will interact with players by asking this funny question. It's amusing all by itself, but it goes double for players who started out as a member of the mysterious Khajiit, a race of feline bipedal humanoids.
2 "You Know The Old Saying: When Life Gives You Lemons, Go Murder A Clown."
Festus Krex is the man responsible for this riotously funny laugh-out-loud quote, and it's one of the most underappreciated of the entire game. The fact that Krex is a member of the infamous Dark Brotherhood is probably a good indicator of why his particular brand of dry humor wouldn't go over well at family dinners.
While many of Skyrim's quotes are hilarious when taken out of context, this is not one of them. Not only does it botch the traditional and uplifting original version of the lemon lesson, but it seems like a non-sequitur by design. Whatever the case, this is one quote that first-time Skyrim players never could have expected, no matter how prepared they were.
1 "I Used To Be An Adventurer Like You, Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee."
The most infamously funny line of Skyrim has since gone on to become the stuff of meme legend. From a logical standpoint, it makes absolutely no sense for a man's adventuring days to come to a grinding halt due to an injury of that sort. Granted, being shot in the knee is undoubtedly a painful experience.
Knee injuries can be debilitating, particularly if there's major damage to the meniscus or ACL, but that shouldn't be enough to make an adventurer hang up the hat for good. Nevertheless, the quote is funny for how matter-of-fact it is, not to mention the befuddling notion that someone would blurt this out to a stranger.
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July 22, 2021 at 12:00AM
